Paranoia.
I really regret not asking for an ultrasound photo of our baby’s private parts. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? But you know how, when you first become pregnant, you doubt the pregnancy test, the doctors, the Doppler, and everything else? Then when you see the ultrasound, you’re like “Oh, there’s really a baby in there!”
Now I doubt the ultrasound technician, and even my own eyesight. At the time, I was certain that it was exactly what she said it was, and when she pointed out the relevant parts, I saw them too. I saw what she saw, and it was all good. Now the picture has faded from memory, and I think “Maybe I didn’t see what I thought I saw. Or maybe what I thought I saw was something completely different”. Even though the ultrasound lady has three children of the opposite sex, and
knows what
they look like on an ultrasound, and even though she was 96% certain, and we looked at the area from different angles, and for long periods of time (it wasn’t just a glimpse).
Man, I wish I could have another ultrasound or something. Every time we buy something for the baby in the relevant colour or style, I’ll be worried that that money is just going to waste. 130 days to go, then I’ll find out for sure. Until then… I’ll just have to try to wait patiently and not worry. Help!
Work.
Aaaargh. I'm so sick of work. The way my boss talks to one of the other employees... if he spoke to me that way, I would be out of here in two seconds. Either that, or I'd burst into tears after work every day. I can't wait to get out of here. This is why I can't take my eyes off of the clock. This is why I'm counting down the hours and minutes until work ends each afternoon.
There are about 15 boxes in my reception area at the moment, filled with training manuals. I would usually move them into the spare office, but obviously can't do that anymore, because I'm quite pregnant. So I'm just waiting for my boss to tell me to move them. I'll tell him that I can't, but I fully believe that he is going ask me someday soon.
I think I can handle it.
At my last singing lesson, I asked my teacher about singing at the Christmas Carols when I'm 8 months pregnant. She said I should be able to handle it, and that we'd work on breath management in preparation. Well, at my lesson last night, she told me that she'd spoken to another singing teacher and he said that perhaps it's not such a good idea. He said that singing when you're really pregnant is usually extremely tiring. But now, I'm already committed to the Christmas Carols. I'm not prepared to back out of it. The Christmas Carols are huge for me. If I had to miss out, I would be fully devastated. So I'm going to do it. And I know that God will help me through. There are only about 3 songs (at most) in succession, anyway, with other items and stuff in between where we get to go off-stage and sit down. It'll be fine. :o)
My husband is away on a guys-only leadership camp. He left yesterday morning, and comes back tomorrow afternoon. Last night was our first night apart since we've been married. I miss him so much! *sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh*
Morning sickness returned.
I just vomited. At work. While I was at my desk. I was eating my lunch (pasta), and it came back up. I had to catch it with my hands, then I grabbed an empty plate that was on my desk and threw up some more. I made my way to the kitchen and threw up in the sink. Violently. Multiple times. I was secretly hoping someone in our office of 4 people would notice, and send me home. But no such luck. I was all alone in my vomiting. My boss came in as I was cleaning up my pants, and said “What are you doing?” I replied, “Cleaning up vomit.” He, being the compassionate man that he is, just said “Ewww!” and started talking about a task he wanted me to do. Man, I feel all weak and stuff. You know how there’s those days where you just
know you’re going to vomit? Today was one of those days. Although, I had no idea it was going to be at work, just after I’d eaten a whole heap of pasta. Joy. Sorry if I grossed anyone out.
Secrets.
We found out the gender of our baby! But it’s a secret. :o) The baby’s perfectly fine, there’s nothing wrong with him/her. The ultrasound technician was going on about how cute it was, when it was wriggling around and striking lots of different poses. We saw it hiccuping, too! Gorgeous little bub. But like last time, it was a squirmer! It stayed still long enough to determine the sex, though. And the lady said, although ultrasounds are never 100% accurate when it comes to those things, she was 96% certain. From what I saw, I’d say the same thing.
Afterwards, hubby and I went to the shops and bought gender-specific swaddling cloths. :o) We were going to get a cute outfit, but there wasn’t really anything quite cute enough.
Oh, no photos yet. The printer wasn’t working at the time, so she’s going to send them to us.
Sandy, the same thing happened to me! They were running 45 minutes late, and for about the last half hour I had to stand up because I was finding it very hard to hold in. Then with ten minutes to go, one of the ladies called me over and said I could go let a little out. I think it was pretty obvious I was faring pretty badly (although I was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible!). Then the first thing the ultrasound technician said to me when she started looking at my insides was “Oh my goodness, your poor bladder! You must be in so much pain! Go let some out.” She told me to let out 20 seconds worth, which was almost all of it. So that helped a lot. But enough urine talk. :o)
Lately I’ve been feeling some ‘twitches’, like little kicks from the baby. Last night when I was at the prayer meeting, I put my hand on my stomach where the twitches had been moments earlier. A few seconds later, and boom! There was a huge kick! I felt it lift up my hand and everything. It was so awesome! And last night in bed, my husband had his hand on my stomach and felt some of the twitches! He was rapt. I was so excited to be able to let him feel them. Every other time he’s tried, the baby had just stopped.
Today is a good day. :o)
Holding it in.
Okay, I’ve had 3 large glasses of water. Although, I conveniently overlooked the ‘large’ part of the equation. FINE. I’ll drink some more. I’ve gone and made myself feel all guilty. Anyway, I figure 4 medium glasses of water will be the same as 3 large glasses. Yes? I worked that out using my superior mathematical intellect, otherwise known as ‘guessing’.
Yippee! I only have to hold my bladder for another 1 hour 15 minutes! Counting down… I’m positive that today will be easier than last time. I read some tips on the internet.
1. Empty your bladder directly before drinking commences.
2. Eat a small meal an hour before drinking commences.
With the second one, I conveniently overlooked the ‘small’ part of the equation.
I’m kind of already feeling the effects of the water… Eeek.
I’m excited about the ultrasound, though! Ultrasounds are fun! Yay!
Bacon for Christmas.
Oh, the strange people I encounter on the phone. I mark exams in my job. One dude called in relation to an employee for whom he was sending through the completed exam papers.
Him: You’ll pass him, won’t you?Me: If he gets the questions right, yes.Him: There’ll be no free bacon for you this Christmas, girl!I laughed, although I have absolutely no idea what that means.
Over it.
Remember how I said earlier today about loving my job because I got a substantial amount of money which really had nothing to do with my job but made me feel good about today? Yeah, I’m over that. Now I just want to go home. Nothing bad happened, but I’m just tired and waiting for today to be over. You know those days when you press the ‘send/receive’ button on Outlook every two seconds, just in case there’s a new email, so you can reply and have something interesting to do? That’s today. I am happy, though. I’d just be much happier if it was 5:30 right now, and I was home preparing dinner.
Clearing the way.
In home group we were talking about trials (in a roundabout way). As Kristy reminded me in the comments of my previous post about this subject, I have been through, and am currently going through trials. Perhaps I was just too positive (if there’s such a thing) in not realising that those things were actually trials. So we spoke about how when we are in a jungle, and clearing our pathway with a machete, that we are clearing it for others, too. When we’ve been through our trial, future generations, and people that come after us, will be able to follow the path we’ve cleared. I likened this to our current financial struggle. It’s good that we’re going through this now. We’re clearing the path for our children and their children, so they don’t have to go through this. As long as we keep our focus on God, this is what we believe will come about. We’ll be so money-conscious that the values we instil in our children will keep them financially free their entire lives.
A love / hate relationship.
My husband and I got our tax refunds!!! They were deposited into my account yesterday, less than a week after they were lodged! I’m excited, because we’ve almost paid off the credit card, and we now have money for tomorrow’s ultrasound, and I was also able to get our loan payments up to date. It’s such a relief. So I am extremely happy today.
Completely differs from my mood last night, when I was angry at my husband for wanting to go to sleep instead of watching Grey’s Anatomy with me (my new favourite show). Yes, I know. How selfish of him. God forbid my husband may have actually been tired! No way. It’s all about me. He should have been thinking about my whims, not his wellbeing. :o) So kidding. But I blame my irrational behaviour on pregnancy hormones. It’s nice to have an excuse for those things! What will I do after the baby’s born??? I won’t have anything on which to blame my irrationality. D’oh.
I had time off work last Friday and yesterday. I was sick, in a cold/flu-like manner. It was horrible (still kind of is, but I’m getting better). So yesterday afternoon I was dreading coming to work today. I was all like “I HATE my job!” And today, when I realised we got our tax refunds, I was all like “I LOVE my job!” I actually said that one out loud, but I don’t think anyone heard me (praise the Lord). Crazy, crazy times. My moods are so up-and-down, and all over the place. I think my real feelings about my job are closer to the first statement, but not quite so severe. I mean, I can handle working here for another four months. I think. But after that, I will be truly devastated if I have to come back and work for three days a week like we originally planned. I’m okay with the childcare thing now, but it’s just my job that infuriates me. We think we may be able to work it out, so hopefully I can be a housewife & mum.
I felt the baby move quite hugely this morning! I was lying in bed, and felt some light thumping from inside my tummy. I’m hesitant to call it kicking until I feel it again (I was just waking up at the time), but it was so cool!
World Vision rocks.
I had to call World Vision today to cancel my child sponsorship. We can't afford it now that we're having a child of our own. The lady I spoke to was so lovely! She said that it was fine, and not to feel bad because my child would still be looked after. She thanked me for my support over the last couple of years. She made small talk about when my baby's due, and how exciting it must be, etc. All round, a lovely experience.
And woohoo! I lodged hubby's and my tax returns on Tuesday. Our estimated combined refund is over $950! That is cool. I'm happy.
I have nothing more to say. I'm boring. Oh, pregnancy is going well. Yay!
Trial.
Okay, so maybe I
am going through a trial. It has to do with the 'exciting news' that I posted earlier this week. It looks like that probably won't happen. I said I wasn't going to get my hopes up, but I did. It was about finances for after the baby's born. I could have been able to be a stay-at-home mum. But turns out the financial situation probably won't work out (since the government payments are based on how much I earn in the full 2005/06 financial year, instead of how much I would be earning at the time - i.e. $0). That completely sucks. But maybe, just maybe we'll be able to make it happen. Maybe. I really and truly hope so. Oh my goodness, I hope so SO much.
Confusion.
My boss just asked if I'd done any work on MYOB since the auditors have been here. I said yes, then he just shook his head in a 'tsk tsk' manner. I was like "No-one told me not to!" and he said "Yes, we did." I reiterated "No, you didn't." He replied "Yes, we did", in a holier-than-thou fashion. He went on to say that I'd probably have to input all of those transactions again, after the auditors come back.
Okay, boss. Yes, you have a higher-paying position than I do. Yes, you have had more education. But I'm not stupid. I'd know if someone told me not to use MYOB. And the absolute truth is, NO-ONE TOLD ME. Sheesh.
I've been thinking a lot about trials lately. I've heard heaps of preaching about how, when you go through trials in an area of your life, it's because Satan's attacking that area since he sees it as a threat, and that God's going to turn it around for good and bring you breakthrough (i.e. trials are a good thing, because they come before a breakthrough). I think I believe that too, and it's a good encouragement for those who are going through trials...
but, what about those of us that haven't gone through many at all?
One of my friend Rachel's friends just had a baby. Her entire pregnancy, she had chronic morning sickness. She had to go into hospital a few times, and the shots that they gave her didn't even work.
My friend Lexi, who is due around the same time as me, has been sick constantly for her pregnancy, vomiting up to 7 times per day.
Another of Rachel's friends is 6 weeks pregnant. She's had to take the last 2 weeks off of work, because she can't get out of bed.
Me, I've had it so easy. Minimal morning sickness, no complications... in fact, I feel on top of the world. Does this mean that God's not going to use my baby and I? Does it mean that God has great plans for these three women and their babies, and we're just left out? Should I
want trials to come along?
About a month ago, I was so sure I was going to have a miscarriage. Never mind the evidence against it - that I was in my second trimester (where chance of miscarriage drops down to 1%), or that I'm in the perfect demographic for a full-term pregnancy: young, healthy, don't drink, don't smoke, etc. So there was basically no chance of me losing this baby. But my reasoning was "I've never had many trials in my life. What if this is it? I know God wants to use me, but so far the path to my destiny has been smooth-sailing. What if it's time for me to have a trial?"
What does it mean when I don't have trials? Does it mean I'm not a 'threat'? Does it mean I'm not close enough to God? That I'm not advancing in His plan for my life?
It really confuses me. I ask again, should I
want trials to come along? Should I be praying for trials?
Tired.
Do you think anyone would notice if I fell asleep here at my desk?
So very tired. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Possible excitement.
There have been some possible major developments in a certain area of my life.
Major developments. They’re not set in stone, so I can’t talk about them yet. I don’t want to get my hopes up, just in case it doesn’t work out, but I am excited. I really have to pray my butt off about it, because I
so want it to happen!!!
Meanwhile, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow! I’m excited about that too, because I will hopefully get to hear the heartbeat again. I haven’t really felt the baby move around for a couple of days, so it will be really reassuring to know that everything’s still okay.
Then I have an ultrasound next week, and we will find out whether it’s a boy or a girl. :o)
Mixed messages.
A year ago today, I sent an email to myself through www.futureme.org (I wrote about it
here). I received it today. Here is a copy:
(this message was composed on Wed, Aug 4, 2004)
Dear FutureMe,
By now, you'll have been married for over 9 months. I can't even imagine what that will be like. At the moment, there are 79 days to go, and I'm pretty nervous. So many things are going to change within the next year.
I'm looking for a unit at the moment, and it's harder than I thought. It's very distressing, going to look at units, really liking them, then being turned down because they found someone better (or more financially viable). I'm going to look at one tomorrow, which looks fantastic, and is priced so extremely low, it's shocking. I'm excited, but know not to get my hopes up.
There were 187 people at Youth last week! I just know it's going to grow so much, and I wonder how many will be going when you get this email.
It's strange, referring to the future me in the third person. I guess it's right to do that, because the person that I will be in a year doesn't exist now. I'll be such a different person, I'm sure of it. I'll be married!
Right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Looking for units, organising our wedding, spending time with my fiance, working, and keeping track of all my church commitments... it's just really alot to think about. I know everything will be OK. But right now... I'm in a transitional period, I guess. Everything's changing (in a good way).
I really hope you're having fun. Take some time to yourself. Take a walk, and clear your head. Read a book, snuggled up on the couch with a hot milo. Play the piano, and sing along. Take a nice warm bubble bath.
Don't work too hard, and don't become exhausted. If you do, take a day off, and just relax.
Remember, you're so loved. You rock. :o)I was so different back then. Everything has gone wonderfully, and all of the things I was feeling overwhelmed about turned out well in the end. I was so touched by the third-last paragraph. I’m going to do all of the things I told myself to do. I probably won’t take a day off, because I need to save up my annual leave for my baby-time. But on Wednesday the 17th we have a public holiday, so that’s just as good. :o)
I wrote myself a new one for next year, too. Imagine how much my life will have changed by then! I’ll have been married for almost two years, and have a 7-month old baby! Wow.
Frustration.
For the past couple of days, I have been
feeling pregnant. I’m beginning to realise why my original plan of singing on-stage at Youth until December would probably be a bad idea. Strange thing is, my wise music director (who is male and has no children) had this revelation before I did. I was all “I can totally handle this! I can jump around for long periods of time right up until the baby’s born! Yeah!” But, no. He said I should probably be off of the roster at about 5 months. And he was right. I’m getting huge pretty quickly (mostly only visually, I haven’t gained much weight), and feeling the effects. I can’t even stand up for the whole rehearsal. So perhaps he’s onto something.
I’m just so frustrated! It seems after all the budgeting and stressing about money, the bills start flying in, and we never get any closer to being out of debt (let alone saving money). I have absolutely no idea what to do. *SIGH*
Anyway, I’m just too down about this whole financial situation to post anything else. This always happens when I have to amend the monthly budgets to include things like bills or doctor appointments (or in this case, an ultrasound).
